Third week of chemo and radiation and so far so good! There have been some minor problems with pain
but the new meds are doing wonders.
I obtained a copy of my new blood tests Tuesday to compare
with my test results from when I started chemo and am including a scan of them
below. Overall I am maintaining
excellent levels and keeping my weight steady.
Go Todd Squad!
I've been working hard on my nutrition and lifestyle, and most importantly on me. I've come to see this is an opportunity for
rebirth. The first half of my life was
been filled with so many mistakes, regrets, self-destructive and childish
things. This cancer represents change inexorable and inevitable. I may not be able to control the inevitable. The end comes for us all eventually, But I am able to define me, and this I can do.
I am determined to use this as
a rebirth, a phoenix metaphor if I may. Getting
through the surgery is only the beginning.
There will be monthly tests at first, then sporadic as I begin
the 5-year process to reach a quantified "cured".
The changes I've been making are
only the beginning of an entirely new lifestyle. Better choices, a different
perspective. This is the start of the
second half of my life, however long that may be, and it is a chance for me to
try to be a better person in every way I can control. This cancer is trying to kill the old
me. Let it. That me was messed up in so many ways, a life of mistakes and bad decisions and good intentions failed..... Whatever "me" that emerges
from this, however successful I am in fighting the cancer, the "me" that is to
come is going to be a different me, and I'm embracing that in so many positive
ways. I may not be able to atone for my past mistakes, but I'm determined not to repeat them. I may make all new mistakes, but they will be made from a better place, a different perspective.
I'm visualizing this as a sort of
birthing process, to become a better person.
This is my goal and the way of life I'm trying to live. As I just told a very dear friend of mine, I
intend to take the best part of me and distill it into a better future me, and
the future is now.
Musical mood today
Waiting - Listen Without Prejudice 1990
There ain't no point in moving on
Until you've got somewhere to go
And the road that i have walked upon
Well it filled my pockets
And emptied out my soul
All those insecurities
That have held me down for so long
I can't say i've found a cure for these
But at least i know them
So they're not so strong
You look for your dreams in heaven
But what the hell are you supposed to do
When they come true?
Well there's one year of my life in the songs
And some of them are about you
Now i know there's no way i can write those wrongs
Believe me
I would not lie you've hurt my pride
And i guess there's a road without you
But you once said
There's a way back for every man
So here i am
Don't people change, here i am
Is it too late to try again
There ain't no point in moving on
Until you've got somewhere to go
And the road that i have walked upon
Well it filled my pockets
And emptied out my soul
All those insecurities
That have held me down for so long
I can't say i've found a cure for these
But at least i know them
So they're not so strong
You look for your dreams in heaven
But what the hell are you supposed to do
When they come true?
Well there's one year of my life in the songs
And some of them are about you
Now i know there's no way i can write those wrongs
Believe me
I would not lie you've hurt my pride
And i guess there's a road without you
But you once said
There's a way back for every man
So here i am
Don't people change, here i am
Is it too late to try again
.... here i am.
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