Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Wednesday Update

Third week of chemo and radiation and so far so good!  There have been some minor problems with pain but the new meds are doing wonders.  

I obtained a copy of my new blood tests Tuesday to compare with my test results from when I started chemo and am including a scan of them below.  Overall I am maintaining excellent levels and keeping my weight steady.  Go Todd Squad!

I've been working hard on my nutrition and lifestyle, and most importantly on me.  I've come to see  this is an opportunity for rebirth.  The first half of my life was been filled with so many mistakes, regrets, self-destructive and childish things.  This cancer represents change inexorable and inevitable.  I may not be able to control the inevitable.  The end comes for us all eventually,  But I am able to define me, and this I can do.

 I am determined to use this as a rebirth, a phoenix metaphor if I may.  Getting through the surgery is only the beginning.  There will be monthly tests at first, then sporadic as I begin the 5-year process to reach a quantified "cured".   

The changes I've been making are only the beginning of an entirely new lifestyle.  Better choices, a different perspective.  This is the start of the second half of my life, however long that may be, and it is a chance for me to try to be a better person in every way I can control.  This cancer is trying to kill the old me.  Let it.  That me was messed up in so many ways, a life of mistakes and bad decisions and good intentions failed..... Whatever "me" that emerges from this, however successful I am in fighting the cancer, the "me" that is to come is going to be a different me, and I'm embracing that in so many positive ways.  I may not be able to atone for my past mistakes, but I'm determined not to repeat them.  I may make all new mistakes, but they will be made from a better place, a different perspective.

 I'm visualizing this as a sort of birthing process, to become a better person.  This is my goal and the way of life I'm trying to live.  As I just told a very dear friend of mine, I intend to take the best part of me and distill it into a better future me, and the future is now.

Musical mood today

Waiting - Listen Without Prejudice 1990

There ain't no point in moving on
Until you've got somewhere to go
And the road that i have walked upon
Well it filled my pockets
And emptied out my soul

All those insecurities
That have held me down for so long
I can't say i've found a cure for these
But at least i know them
So they're not so strong

You look for your dreams in heaven
But what the hell are you supposed to do
When they come true?

Well there's one year of my life in the songs
And some of them are about you
Now i know there's no way i can write those wrongs
Believe me
I would not lie you've hurt my pride
And i guess there's a road without you

But you once said
There's a way back for every man
So here i am
Don't people change, here i am
Is it too late to try again
.... here i am.

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